Relationships

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What does a ‘Relationship’ mean to you?  What examples/models did you have to learn about it at a young age? Were you the little 3 year old girl planing your wedding to a perfect prince, or were you Fiona expecting a more realistic Shrek?  As a boy, were you taught to be tough and to keep things in?

” Relationships” can be with a child, a lover, parents, friends, coworkers etc. There has to be honest communication, trust, loyalty and co-operation.

Do we allow the other to be who they are, or do we become co- dependent, needy and controlling?

What attracts you to the other (them)?  Is it visual or emotional, or is something else?
Will they make you feel complete and happy?

In truth, it is us that were are looking for.  No one can give us everything.
We are truly the ones that can give ourselves everything.
People come to us for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.  We learn from everyone we are with.
Each and every person that you meet and are with show another facet of yourself that only they can mirror, and reflect back to you. It’s unique.

I am not encouraging anyone to have many partners just to learn lessons, however if one needs to move on, and/or has out grown their partner, or if there is no more communication, then take account and do what feels right.

Marriage is a huge commitment and I feel we rush too fast into it…. I know I did, I just wanted the house, kids, car, white picket fence, and happily ever after. I got it all, and fast!!! However i was more unhappy than I was before.

I thought all the above would be the answer, the solution to everything! Well it wasn’t,  and I unfairly laid all of the responsibility to my then wife, who probably did the same to me.

Some believe in ‘Twin-Flames” or “The One”… I feel this is an unrealistic ideal, there could be, however by holding out you may be waiting a very long time, if not forever. Yes I have been guilty of this.

We are mirrors, we attract what we need to learn… or what we are most fearful of.
We attract what we need, where we are…. Try and think… where was your head space at- when you met everyone that you were with? Notice any patterns?

Problems arise when we try to change our partner into what we think they should be,  or want them to be….. How hard is it for you to change yourself? Yet we expect it from the other. Why? To make us happy, fulfilled, complete….. not alone?

Instead of trying to change the other and/or blame them for failing to make you happy… THANK THEM!!! Yes, thank them for showing you what it is that you truly do want, and also what  you needed to learn and to experience with them to get clarity on what you do really want.  They were being who they were and they did their job exactly,  just as you were being who you were, and doing your job perfectly as well! We have to want one other, not need the another.

In any healthy relationship there needs to be 2 adults present (adult to adult) the problem is that there is usually an adult and a child, or even worse, 2 children in the union. Adults work problems out, while children kick and scream until they get what they want. I’ve been with grown women that act like whining 6 year olds – believing what worked then will continue to do so now.

So many marriages are failing now and i don’t see that trend stopping.  We have to figure out why we are getting married. Children, security, sexually  safe monogamy? Please don’t confuse me. I truly believe in marriage!!! I am encouraged and admire couples that are truly in love and have been together forever. They have found a partner that they can grow with.

Marriage is not the same as what our parents reasons were for.  Men believed in duty, even if they didn’t love their wife, more so then, than today.
Men and women also had different roles back then, and even now so depending on culture and in different parts of the world.  Man usually worked and the woman nurtured… Well a woman doesn’t need a man for her financial security as much anymore, and she doesn’t want to have a son to take care of either. (Yes there was a joke in there somewhere)

Man has to have purpose, a direction.  He needs to have true confidence, and to be able to allow the modern woman to be just that. He has to be strong enough to let her flourish. [This is for another blog indeed. I’ll go deeper regarding  our roles and discuss the topic in more depth.]

We have to first feel the emotions that we are looking for first within ourselves before we look for it elsewhere. If you can’t  love yourself, how are you going to let another love you? Yes you may want it but that doesn’t mean you’ll allow it.  It is essential to first build a loving relationship with ourselves. Instead, we out source that to another, and they will ultimately fail us, guaranteed!  It’s not their job to complete us, nor save us,  and it isn’t ours either. When in a relationship, there still needs to be individuality…. We don’t become “One” that’s how one loses oneself.  There is a lot of resentment that happens when we give up who we are to make the other happy and sacrificing what makes  us happy. You are both 2 strong and separate pillars holding up ‘A Common Ideal’,  mutually.  There is more strength in having a dual foundation (2 pillars), than there is in only 1.

Trust communication and respect are essential in any true relationship.  It’s about communicating our desires, ideas, passions, and both supporting them, like the 2 pillars.  If  one needs to fix or save the other it exposes an inner conflict to ‘make right’ something needed to be fixed within, or to undo an early wrong.  We’ve heard the saying mom or dad issues, low self respect and low self worth, not deserving better, etc.

Couples usually complain about on what is wrong and what is not working between them instead of trying to work on a solution. Continuing to do so only re-enforces the problem and gives the person complaining a reason or an excuse to cheat on their partner- to stray, or to enjoy some dessert on the side so to speak.

It usually takes at least 4 seasons to even begin to know someone, yet we get all juiced up emotionally and let our lust and passion (in the early going) dictate that we’ve found “THE ONE”

I hear this a lot….. let’s just enjoy the moment, stop thinking and allow the beauty to take over…… Ummm…… Then what?

After the pixie dust settles and the orgasm is gone, we have to deal with the personality, the reality, the very dysfunction that we tried to cover up with the intoxication of carnal Bliss.  If the foundation was built on sex and lust and not on strong foundation of ‘Friendship’ and ‘Trust first’…..more times than not the castles crumble and your left with a bitter outcome. Ummm yes, again, I am guilty of that too.

What am I getting at here? Decide on what you truly want. There is no right or wrong.  Do you want to have fun and experience people, or do you want a serious relationship?  Either is perfectly acceptable. What is important is to have clarity on what you do want and communicate that with the other, respecting boundaries and mutual agreements. It is when we use manipulation, deceit  and co-dependency, to build or seduce the other into whatever we think we want or need, is what ultimately destroys what we truly want, and need to grow.

Enjoy your life for you- independently, become the most authentic version of “You” that you can possibly be.  Then and only then is when you will attract the best possible partner that sees who and what you truly are!

Namaste

Frank Dee

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