Being an Adult in Relationships
Have you been looking for the one or is it always the next one? Do you feel like you are your (boyfriend) husband’s mother or your (girlfriend) wife’s father? Are you attracting ‘nagging’ and ‘drama’ typed women, or tuned out men that don’t listen to you? Maybe you keep on attracting assholes that always hurt you. Are you that great guy that is the shoulder she cries on as they ask you where all the good guys are? Ironic yes?
There are basically 2 fears that we have regarding relationships:
- Being smothered – and losing who we are. (identity)
- Being abandoned -resulting in clinginess and smothering the other.
I have already written a blog on relationships, however this blog is a bit different. Here, we will explore maturity and how to be an adult both in and out of a relationship. *This is a pretty simple concept yet it is profound and is basically ‘Relationship’ in a nutshell- both with Self and with another.
*In any healthy relationship there are 2 adults… plain and simple. In an unhealthy relationship there is usually 1 adult and one child, and even worse 2 children present.
When certain needs are not met in childhood (FYI- this is all of us) we have wounds and fractures that we carry into our lives and into our relationships! Instead of our partner comforting and fixing them (what we think a relationship is supposed to be) they actually do the opposite! Oh boy- don’t they just slam us in the face as soon as the pixie dust lust wears off? You betcha! Don’t even try changing partners, because they’ll do they same, sometimes even faster!!! It all begins with you!
The problem is not the wounds; the problem is that we haven’t let them go! The hurt, anger, shame, guilt and fear are still bleeding within, and the little child is still in pain. So what do we do? We attract someone who we then blame for our unresolved conflicts. David Richo explains that we have early needs growing up. He calls them the 5A’s taken from Buddhist philosophy.
Attention-Acceptance-Appreciation-Affection and Allowing:
When all these are fulfilled we then have the capacity to Love fully and truly. We are then Being Present…
When any of these early core needs haven’t been met, the wound created affects our ablilty to give and receive love with ourselves and with others,
It is not your partner’s job to change for you, or is yours to change for them. How many women I hear saying; “I’ve put in so much work and I don’t want another bitch enjoying the rewards for the work I’ve put in”… Really? Or he/she is good enough and close to my checklist -so i’ll live with the other stuff. WTF? Since when has settling become the road to true happiness?
We attract the right person for where we are ‘at’ in our lives… and if you don’t like it then look inside and see what it is that they are showing you about you- and the wounds that you are hiding and avoiding!
You have to ask yourself, what is my worth? I often wonder if the ‘Drama’ (FEELING ALIVE) is worth all the ups and downs of constant fighting every second day. So many love the ‘passion’ (damaged and wounded) over the ‘boring’ (passive and pleaser) archetypes. Well let me offer this alternative because there is really only one. How about a MATURE (ADULT)? Yes a mature adult that can ‘Be’ exciting, fun and crazy without the collateral damage. Someone who can express him or her self in a healthy way that is not needy or blaming. Someone who doesn’t pull tantrums that resembles a 6 year old. If this doesn’t resonate to you then perhaps you haven’t mourned your pain and you are still blaming your parents or whomever you think is responsible for your unhappiness and suffering.
I am sharing all this from experience; I had it all at 24. I was married, bought a house at 25, had my son at 27, and divorced at 35. I was in a messy common law relationship for 4 years, then relationships/friends with benefits etc. I made sure (unconsciously) that I exhausted every possible situation until I finally realized ‘its not them’… It’s me! That’s probably when I felt like I was no good; I wasn’t worthy of the real thing, or if it even existed! So now I am doing something that most likely seems unnatural to most… I am staying single… and working on myself instead of settling due to loneliness.
I’ve been called picky, unrealistic, (seeking perfection) or that I’m gay, or whatever the case may be. It doesn’t matter what I am called, all that matters is that I become the very thing that I am looking for in my Desired Woman. (A mature adult that is also a crazy (yet healthy) child inside as well)
I’ll know when she’ll be close by, when I’ll be able to:
Take responsibility for my actions, (owning them) communicating issues as they arise instead of blaming and complaining, and leaving the past where it is. Having (Integrity) (Trust) and (Honesty) in myself an in my actions.
But most of all… Being okay if she will never ever come. Why? Because co-dependency is a sign that the child within is still hurting, and hasn’t yet grown up.
I cant say that I am close to any of these qualities consciously, however, I strive to heal the wounds that are responsible for my anger, fear, shame and guilt. I realize that my parents, relatives and mentors all carried forward similar wounds and did the best they could. Instead of blame, I can relate, with understanding and compassion.
So instead of blaming and criticizing others for your unhappiness, take a breath. Instead of judging yourself as to why and how you manipulate anyone, close your eyes. Instead of punishing yourself for being and feeling unworthy of anything good, open your arms. Now give yourself a hug and say to yourself “I love you, you are worth it and… it is not your fault!”
Thank you for reading.